Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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