you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
