My sheets look like a crime scene.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We need to get me chipped asap
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
