I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
