He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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