Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
