thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
