so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
