there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
