My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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