Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
