if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
