Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
