omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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