Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
