You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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