My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
