y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
