Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
