I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
