I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
