I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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