We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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