i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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