either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
