Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
