Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize