I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
