I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
