go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
