Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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