Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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