I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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