At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
