Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So much Jack, so little girl.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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