I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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