It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
