Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
