he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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