Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
