Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
