I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
