i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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