I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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