Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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