she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
