This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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