The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
