Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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