I want to make a zoo with you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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