the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
