glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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