In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
