Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
