Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
