meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
